7: Edith's Decision

Edith had made up her mind. And there was no changing it. True, the end of suitors' visits was a relief... but she had made up her mind. That was that. As six of her thirty-five maids helped her get into a dress her gaze slipped to the crevice between the floorboards and the wall, her secret place. It was actually the only place in the entire chamber that wasn't "thoroughly cleaned" each and every day. She knew hardly anything about the ancient, mysterious book that lay within (the schoolmaster her father employed had done his job well), but she knew that it was the only book left that was written by the great King of Old. It had taken all her cunning to sneak it out of the treasury, and she was greatly relieved to discover that the "theft" had been attributed to The Cock, the infamous master thief. Her attention was snapped back to the present as another maid burst in through the door.

"Your father, His Majesty, King Horatio the Not-Very-Nice, ruler of the City of Tears, Lord of the Desert of Dreams, Master of the Million Pranks, etc. etc. wishes to speak with you milady."

Edith sighed. But she knew she had to go.

"Ahh Edith, my lovely daughter!" exclaimed the King when she arrived. His manner was surprisingly cheerful. "Due to your constant indecisiveness in choosing a husband, in addition to a recent series of tragic events, I have deemed it necessary, beneficial, and desirable that I choose a man for you."

Edith grew pale.

"You seem worried, but I assure you that you will find the man I have chosen to be irresistible. He is truly a man after my own heart! You may enter, Felipe."

The door at the opposite end of the room burst open with a resounding crash and a tall gangly figure strutted in. The appearance would have bordered on impressive had his cape not closed in the door. He took a large step forward, jerked back in the middle of it, and tumbled to the floor in a clatter of armour. A loud ripping noise ensued, but was drowned out by the King's joyful laughter.

"Here is the man!" he proclaimed, "Edith, meet Sir Felipe Adajio, your soon to be husband!"

Edith could say nothing. Felipe managed to stand back up, then approached her. He knelt and extended a bouquet of flowers to her.

"Oh, lady, take this humble gift of flowers from your humblest of humble servants. I bought them for their beauty, but they grow hideous in your presence, your own beauty is so radiant!"

Edith was shocked. She had never experienced this before. Maybe her father did know what he was doing after all. She slowly stretched out her arm and took the flowers, wrapping her fingers around the cool bundle of stems, and bringing the bouquet back in toward herself. Could this be happening? Was this finally someone with some sense of goodness? Was...but before she could think any further she was splashed in the face as a stream of water squirted from the bouquet. The King was laughing uproariously. Felipe was hysterical. When she finally cleared her soaked hair from her eyes she beheld them both rolling on the floor, holding their sides. Furiously she stormed out of the room. If there was any chance her mind was not made up before, it was now.

An hour later King Horatio the NVN and Sir Felipe were finally recovering when a servant burst in the door.

"My Liege! Your dau--"

"You forgot my titles," interrupted the King.

"Apologies, your highness. Oh Your Majesty, King Horatio the Not-Very-Nice, ruler of the City of Tears, Lord of the Desert of Dreams, Master of the Million Pranks, etc. etc., your daughter, Edith, is gone!"

"How can this be!?" roared King Horatio.

" A chain of petticoats, tied together, was found hanging from her window. So far our searching has revealed no other sign of her."

"Woe is me!" wailed Felipe," My love is alone somewhere in this cruel world! Her perfect feet were never meant to traverse the rough terrain of a common road! Her beautiful blond hair--or no, I mean brown hair--was never meant to be scorched by the blinding rays of the outdoor sun! Something must be done!"

"Raise the taxes fifteen percent!" Bellowed the King, "That always solves the problem!"

"My Liege, if I may be so bold," the servant interjected meekly, "our economy is already in a terrible state."

"Make it twenty percent then! Now get out of my sight before I have you beheaded!"

The servant scuttled from the room.

"Oh King," began Felipe, "I shall be the one to rescue your gorgeousest of gourgeous daughters from the deadly peril she is in!"

He whipped out his sword in a wide arc, nearly slicing off the King's head and shredding a wall tapestry completely in half.

"I have been training in sword fighting since I was a boy. No knight in the kingdom is as worthy or well equipped as I to conduct this rescue! Yet is that doubt I perceive in your eyes, oh King?" he asked in surprise. "Perhaps a demonstration of a few of my moves will convince you."

"No, that's quite alright," put in the King, but he was too late.

Edith listened below, and, despite her anger, found herself suppressing laughter. A shout from above was followed by a crash, and Felipe's sword thudded into the ground nearby amid a tinkle of glass shards.

"Oopsies!" came Felipe's voice from above.

Edith ducked out of sight, and set off down an alleyway. Beneath her arm she carried the book. She was leaving the castle, at least for a considerable amount of time. Where she was going, she knew not. Just away. First though, she had to talk to Methuselah.

--Thomas H